Child Funeral

When my oldest son E. was a baby, I was told by doctor's he wouldn't make it to his first birthday. During the day I cared for him, loved him, enjoyed what little time I had with him. At night, I planned his funeral. Sad? Yes. Morbid? Probably. It was a valid concern at the time.

We had no money. I obsessed about how we would pay for his funeral. The casket. The plot. The headstone. These things cost money. Big money. A casket costs more than the car that I was driving at the time. Every dime we had went toward medications, medical bills, and maintaining the crap-shack we were renting. Renting an apartment without a leaky roof AND paying for anti-convulsants was not in the budget.

Who can we borrow money from? And how much? How much money will we have in our budget once we aren't paying for all of these medical expenses? How much can we afford to pay back a month? Who needs to be paid first? What can we sell? We don't have anything to sell. Everything of value has been sold. I could probably get $50 for the tv. Is that worth it? Could we set up a fund for people to donate to in lieu of flowers? I want flowers for my child's funeral. I wonder if there is any sort of charity out there that would help us. It would probably be bad to call around now. Of course, I won't have time to look into it when the time comes. Where should he be buried? I don't want him buried here because we don't want to live here forever. I want him closer to family and where we eventually hope to move. Of course, who knows how much it would cost to have him transferred there. And I wouldn't be able to visit his grave as often until we actually moved. This isn't going to work. I don't want to lose my baby. How does anyone plan for this? Maybe I should make calls tomorrow. If I have real numbers to work with maybe I can figure this all out. Why isn't my family rich? Who could afford to lend us money? *and repeat*

Worries for tonight

I have an unfinished project laying on the floor. If my toddler gets up before me he could get it all out of order and I will have to redo it. If I get up now to finish it I might get 3 hours of sleep. If I take the time to move it to a safer place, I might get 3 1/2 hours of sleep. If I go to sleep now I will get 5 hours of sleep. I need to run to the bank in the morning. And also the grocery store. What do I need at the grocery store? Should I buy more diapers for my toddler at night? Is he ready to go without them? That would save me about $20. We could go out to lunch. Maybe I should go to the bank later in the morning so we can go to lunch afterward and then go to the market. That's probably good because I should finish my project first thing in the morning. Of course, my son will want to play. If I get four hours of sleep, I could get up early and start on my project and then play with my toddler when he wakes up. Crap. What do I need to get at the grocery store? I should get more Windex. The front windows look dirty. It is supposed to rain tomorrow. Maybe I will clean the insides of all the windows tomorrow afternoon and then clean the outsides on Sunday. Is it supposed to rain on Sunday? I'll check in the morning. When I get up. If I go to sleep now I will get 4 hours of sleep. That isn't so bad. If I don't go to sleep in the next hour, I am just going to skip sleeping tonight. Three hours isn't worth my time. I could be doing something else and I will be just as tired with no sleep as I will be with three hours of sleep. What time is it? Maybe I should have taken a sleeping pill. If I take one now I won't wake up with the kids. I don't think my husband will remember my project is in the living room. The kids normally don't play in there but the one day they can't and I'm not there to make sure they don't will be the day they do. Of course I could just get up now and finish the project and try to sleep afterward. *and repeat*